We found out last week that my cousin who had been battling cancer for a number of years had passed away. No matter how much you think you are prepared for something you know is going to come one day, you aren’t.
It has been a couple of years since I last saw her in person and whilst we all stay in touch over social media and such like, it just isn’t the same. Some times it’s hard having a family spread across the country, and time flies past far too quickly being caught up in the day to day struggles of our own lives.
The following day was pride. Something I have wanted to take part in for years and was really, really looking forward to. It felt weird to be so colourful and cheery considering and the weather certainly wasn’t on our side. But despite getting drenched and tired, the experience was a great one and I can’t wait to take part again next year.
Mid week the girls had their first salon experience. Which was lovely. I took them to my hair stylist for a long overdue cut and they had a great time! It’s really nice that they are getting to the age where we can do things like this together. Quality time and fun, taking the edge off the hardness of single parenthood!
The week ended with a high though, a day out to Paignton for their Children’s Week activities, although to be honest I didn’t think that much of what was on offer that day. However we ended up going for their first ever trip to the circus! Im a massive circus fan and hoped they would be too, and needless to say they loved it. The looks on their faces in awe of the acrobatics and gymnastics, the laughter at the “clowns” and such like, it truly was a wonderful experience and one I hope to repeat every year 🙂
I’ve found the last week or so draining. The spoons are certainly low at the moment and the pain high. My head is still flying around all over the place and it’s a constant struggle every day.
Living with chronic pain and fatigue is a constant battle and when bad news hits or the weeks are long (summer holidays) it really takes its toll. It’s easy to forget when you look at me and see what appears to me a normal life on the outside how much I am carrying around. It’s been a lot of ups and downs and I can certainly feel it at the moment. Lets hope that the next isn’t quite so bad eh 😉
Chaos of clutter, chaos of the mind, chaos that comes with being a parent.
My mind is constantly running a hundred miles an hour. Thoughts and fears and plans and worries. Trying to remember everything I need to do. Trying to plan for every circumstance. Trying not to overthink every small detail of what has happened and what could happen.
My life feels so up and down, surrounded by so many pitfalls and walls I have to overcome. Constant chaos that wears me down.
I want to streamline. My life, my home, my mind. Try and create some calm amongst the storm inside. It’s hard. I try every day and the pain and the fatigue wear me down as well and its like I’m just treading water. Never really getting anywhere.
I have so much to do and so very few spoons to achieve it.
Just over a year ago (a year and 2 days to be precise!) I wrote a reflection on the previous year and everything it had brought about. So it seems only fitting now, a year on from that, to reflect once again on the year gone by.
The last month or so has been challenging, having changed to alternative assessments in my degree I was faced with around 11 essays to write in 13days. With a few of those days taken up looking after my children and my nephews birthday, it meant I was working on an essay or more a day, not easy and certainly not relaxing! But as always my body decided to throw an extra spanner in the works with me getting ill days before starting this epic task. JOY!
However it is now all over and with that marks the end of the second year (all being well!) of my degree.
It’s been an interesting year, I learnt to let go a lot. Leaving acting behind to focus on my studies, leaving old toxic friendships behind to focus on me and my family, and leaving behind some responsibilities I no longer needed to carry, so I have time to breath. I am finally starting to get to places I want to be in my life, focusing more on my health and rebuilding that, so I at least stand a decent chance in surviving a career and having more family fun. Building a home for me and my girls.
I have spent a lot of the last year trying to decide on what next. There are a few options, each with their advantages and each with their varying degrees of obstacles. Every single one though revolves around medicine in some way or another. It is my calling and I will find a way to pursue it one way or another! What I really need to do is find that magic money tree somehow But I will face whatever comes, when I get to it!
As I have said many times before, I owe so much to my mum. She is and as always remains my rock, my constant and my best friend. A phone call is all it takes to bring a smile to my face in even the most hardest of times. When things have got rough or hard, she has always been there on my shoulder and my greatest wish is that I can build the same love and friendship with my own daughters.
So now I look forward to the next year, completing my degree, deciding on a future and all the trials that may come with it.
It has come to the end of second year and what does that mean? Oh yeah, dreaded exam period, ARGH!
On that note I have received my million essays I have to write in lieu of exams and will now be hermitting myself away for the next two weeks.
Part of my fibro is the incredibly frustrating brain fog.
I like to describe it as like having everything you know in a room full of filing cabinets. Every fact, feeling and even individual words are contained in different files within these cabinets. What fibro likes to do, on random occasions, is come into your little room of knowledge, pick a cabinet at whim and lock it. Just like that, the stuff you know you know is sealed out of sight and you just can’t seem to open it. Then another time it will open that back up again and go find another random cabinet to lock.
It is incredibly frustrating and as such, coupled with possible extreme fatigue or pain flares, I have a tendency to not exam well at the moment. So after a lot of paper work and meetings I was able to sit alternative assessments, of which my first try in January saw an instant improvement in performance.
Don’t get me wrong, these are in no way easier. I currently have around 11-12 essays to crack out in 13 days and the marking criteria is much more full on than in exams and I am expected to fully reference all my work.
So yeah, this is me at the moment, working hard and trying not to loose what little is left of my worn out mind.
It’s certainly been slow in the fundraising department although bits and pieces are coming in here and there. I have also applied for a scholarship placement so wish me luck on that one!
Wanna know what else I’ve done? I’ve given up coffee…..for a whole MONTH!! Me! The girl who has caffeine tattooed on her forearm because she love it so much!
It’s going okay so far, it’s been 2 and a half weeks and yes there have been times I have missed having a cuppa and honestly it’s starting to get to the point where I am looking forward to the end of the month to grab some new flavours im dying to try out, but I am doing it.
SOooooo…. if you would like to sponsor me, even if it’s just a few pennies, I would be so grateful. Every little helps get me just that bit closer to Africa.
I have been a little all over the place with my fundraising efforts I have to admit. It’s new territory and not something I am at all used to, so finding the right or best ways of doing things is certainly trial and error and taking a bit of time.
So in an effort to try and bring it all together I have created a Facebook page in order to try and concentrate things into one place so people can see what’s going on, follow my progress and (hopefully) donate or support me!!