When the spoons are down

It takes a lot out of me, does life. Just going through the daily motions can be exhausting. It’s not something I try to show generally. A lot of the time I put on a smile, a mask and hide away the true extent of the pain and crippling fatigue.

Something that I am trying to change little by little. Starting to open up about the true daily struggles of living with invisible illnesses, sometimes in life, but mostly here, in this little blog of mine. Trying to find the words that can convey just how it feels to live every day.

But I can’t find the words. Sure I can write about the surface, with tales of eloquently put together analogies. I can describe in relatable terms how it feels perhaps, or try to convey the struggles with examples of spoons and finite resources.

However, it just doesn’t ever feel, when I read these posts back, that I ever truly manage to describe what it’s like to live this way. I guess this goes for many things in life, that experience is something that can never truly be replaced by another medium.

You may think then why bother?

I guess it’s because I have to at least try. So that somewhere out there is something for people to see and read and at least try a little bit to understand what it is like for people like myself. That each and every day is a struggle, that just living life full of pain and chronic exhaustion, is a constant uphill battle. That the small things like just being out for the day, attending lectures, walking around, are huge monumental tasks that require perseverance and often sheer determination not to let these awful diseases win. That I want a better life and for now I am willing to fight for it.

But I am tired. I am in pain. More than you could ever know.

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