Flares, fears and fighting through

It’s been a hard few weeks. I have dealt with massive flare ups in both fatigue and pain, alongside a full moon and werewolf children!

Sometimes I can forget just how much bad flares can knock me back, especially if I have had fairly long periods of better days (I’m not going crazy here, when I say better there is still some degree of pain/fatigue, but I have learnt to deal with these over the years to my point of normal or even good).

Since becoming a single mum I haven’t had so many of the bigger ones to have learnt the best ways of coping, so it is still very much a learning curve and one that will probably take some time. But as long as my children are fed, clean, warm and happy then that is all that really matters.

I had a week where the washing up and the laundry piled up and it drove me crazy, but I have to make that decision. The decision to spend my spoons (see spoon theory) on things that really matter, like my children and keeping them safe and well and relaxing on other areas.

Luckily, whilst we have started new subjects, there are no assignments due in for quite some time. And as long as I attend practicals I can catch up later when I am more well.

There are times when I wonder if I will be able to make it through. I want to pursue a medical degree after this one and I wonder if I am mad. That this is bad enough. But whats the point of giving up? If I have that sort of negative attitude I may as well not bother, and what kind of life will I end up with then? So I fight. I fight for myself, that I can make something of myself, I can achieve what ever I dream. I fight for my children, to provide them with a better life, to show them what you can achieve and to never give up.

Maybe I won’t make it? That is a reality I may have to face, with a condition that could get worse (or better) or stay the same, who knows. But you know what? I ain’t going down easy!!

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